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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27061063">A Devil's Grip on the Mind</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aravenwood/pseuds/aravenwood'>aravenwood</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Historical Attitudes Towards Mental Health, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Has Anxiety, Nile Freeman &amp; Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Friendship, Protective Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:20:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,443</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27061063</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aravenwood/pseuds/aravenwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“How long have you been having panic attacks?” Nile asks Nicky one day, and the answer is a lot more distressing than she expects.</p><p>Written for the Whumptober 2020 prompt "wrongfully accused".</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile Freeman &amp; Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020 [14]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947343</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Devil's Grip on the Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! I'm back with more Old Guard fics! So fun fact, I am a bit of a history buff and one area I have recently developed an interest in is the attitudes towards mental illness throughout history and in different countries across the world. And while I was reading, I got inspired to write a fic about how Nicky's anxiety was viewed across the centuries. </p><p>I don't think this is entirely historically accurate but unfortunately I had some difficulty tracking down a lot of specific information - I did have a textbook on the history of psychology open on my phone but it disappeared.</p><p>TW here for mistreatment of people with mental illnesses.</p><p>Please enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Can I ask you something?” Nile asks out of the blue several weeks after her first time witnessing one of Nicky’s panic attacks. She’s been oddly quiet around him and at first he was sure that it was just nerves, that she was still adjusting to being a member of the team. Maybe she was just shy, he considered - people called him that all the time because he doesn’t talk much and while it’s not a label he associates with himself, it’s one he’s come to gain a fair amount of understanding of.</p><p>But then he notices how animated she is when he’s not around, how confident and sure of herself she is. She’s taken to the others with ease, already able to talk with Andy and Joe like she’s been with them for centuries. It’s only when Nicky is there that her shoulders tense and she spends more time staring at her hands than at him.</p><p>So hearing her talk to him is a welcome bit of relief. Maybe she doesn’t hate him, after all.</p><p>“Of course,” he says easily, offering her a small, polite smile. He sits back in his chair and lifts his tea to his mouth, taking a sip and cradling the cup in both hands.</p><p>Nile nods once, and her eyes take on a distant look for a moment as she collects her thoughts. Nicky says nothing, just waits patiently. “Ok,” she finally mumbles, more to herself than to him. “So when you had your panic attack, Joe knew what he was doing. Because you’ve had them before, I’m guessing. And I guess I’m just wondering…how long you’ve had them.” Her words come out slow and hesitant, like she’s worried she’ll offend him - judging from the way she chews on her lip, that’s exactly what she’s worried about.</p><p>Nicky finds himself mimicking the gesture as he thinks about his answer. He’s oddly nervous, but then that’s weirdly fitting for a conversation about panic attacks. He wishes Joe was here, but he and Andy are out shopping and won’t be back for another hour or so. </p><p>After a minute of absolute silence, Nile springs to her feet. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t-!” she blurts out, only for Nicky to lift a hand to stop her mid-sentence.</p><p>“Nile, you are one of us. You have a right to know. I just had to…think about my answer. It’s not a clear-cut thing, you see. I did not just wake up one day and poof, anxiety disorder.” He pauses for a second, then smiles to himself. “It is funny, when I think about it I have technically had one since before they were even a thing. Long before.”</p><p>Nile snorts quietly and Nicky’s smile widens as her shoulders relax a little. </p><p>“I do not remember when I first knew that something was wrong with me. Mental health is not something that people discussed for a long time. If you were suffering, you did it in silence or you would be branded the town lunatic and locked away to rot and be forgotten about. That was the way things were done for a long time. And then…instead of forgetting about it, there came a time when people decided that there was a cure. They would beat people. Restrain them. Cut them and make them bleed like their struggles would simply leak out and they would suddenly be better. It was…barbaric.”</p><p>Neither of them are smiling now. Nile looks like she wants to be sick and Nicky isn’t far behind her. The flesh on his back burns from lash marks long since healed, and he finds himself staring at his wrists half-expecting to find manacles. Of course they’re not there, but he can almost feel their sharp edges digging into his skin..</p><p>Letting out a long, shuddering sigh, he continues. “When I first came back, I wasn’t stricken with panic attacks. I didn’t break down in front of Joe, that’s not why we stopped killing each other. I was…stronger, I guess. Or maybe I was too naïve to panic like that. But I was always anxious, I suppose. Always thinking too much, always imagining the worst things that could happen. So I suppose that was when everything started. Joe did not know, though. No one knew.</p><p>“But I remember my first panic attack. Not clearly, but I remember Joe staring at me. He looked…terrified, he thought that something had happened, that I was going to die on him. I didn’t, obviously, and we pretended that nothing had happened. We did that for a long time. But then…then I fucked up. I had an attack in public, in the middle of a market in front of a lot of people…”</p><p>He drifts into silence, and he can feel Nile staring at him. She’s waiting for him to finish his story but his hands are shaking and he feels like he’s back there again, all of those eyes on him and all of those voices shouting at him. He can feel the hands grabbing him, pulling him away from Joe. Can feel the shackles as they’re forced around his wrists and ankles. </p><p>“Nicky?” Nile sounds afraid and he knows he’s the one to cause it.,</p><p>He has to finish his story. She has to know.</p><p>“They said that I was possessed by the devil and that my body was revolting against it. They said that they had to help me, had to get the beast out of me. So, they tortured me. Much like the people did to Andy and Quynh. There was something evil inside of me, they thought, and they had to dispel it from this world. They would drown me, force me to drink poisons. Beat me. Starve me. And every time I tried to tell them that they were wrong, that I was not possessed, they would ignore me. It got to a stage that I wondered if they were right, I wondered if all those years I did have something evil living inside of me. So I let them keep going and I prayed every night that it would be over, that the devil was gone. </p><p>“Joe found me a month later. He killed everyone who had tortured me and he took me away from there. And I didn’t have another attack for three months. Three months in which I thought that I was cured, that their treatments had worked. And then I had the worst one of my life.”</p><p>His cheeks are wet, he realises, and lifts a shaking hand to wipe the tears away. Across from him, Nile is crying too and he hates that he’s the cause. But she looks angry too, so angry that a tiny part of him is proud that this is one of the warriors he gets to fight alongside. She circles around the table and sits on the chair next to him, then drags it closer and pulls him in for a hug. “I’m sorry Nicky, I’m so sorry that happened. You can stop now, you don’t have to continue,” she murmured, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>But he can’t stop. He has to go on, for her and for him. So he swallows thickly, takes a deep breath and continues. </p><p>“We were more careful after that. If I was having a bad day then we would avoid towns and people. It was…nice. And things were better. I still struggled but at least I wasn’t imprisoned for it.” He lets out a watery laugh. “And things are still better. They are not perfect but I know that my anxiety is real. I know that my panic attacks are real. And I have people around me who know how to help and support me. So I guess, to answer your question, I’ve had my anxiety for a long time and that is why Joe does not panic. He knows how to help me, everyone does. And if you like, I will answer any other questions you may have.”</p><p>Nile pulls back and nods shakily. She takes a deep breath to compose herself and offers him a weak smile. “Thank you for telling me. I uh, I just wanted to know because I was surprised at how well everyone handled it. Mental health is uh, it’s not always taken seriously by other generations. And I…I have a couple of other questions but let’s save them for another day, huh? Want to go cry over Finding Dory?” she asks.</p><p>Nicky snorts. “Nothing would make me happier,” he says, and he means it. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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